There are two things you have to do to save his life. First, you'll have to fix him three home-cooked meals a day for the rest of his life. And second, you'll have to make love to him every day without fail."
"I'll break the news to him myself," she said.
Stepping across the waiting room to her husband Mrs. Cooney announced, "Guess what, Cooney. You're gonna die!!"
A doctor and a nurse just got married. As they were lying in bed one night, the doctor said to the nurse, "Honey, to avoid any problems, let's try the following system. When we go to bed at night, if you would like to have sex, pull at my penis one time....
....and if you don't want to have sex, pull at my penis 100 times!!" "Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!"
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
The resident began his examination of an Elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."
"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."
This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined.
She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..." Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"
There was this guy in the hospital that was scheduled for surgery. Onthe morning of his operation he starts yelling that he wants coffee.The nurse comes in and asks him to be quiet, as he is disturbing theother patients.
"But I've had coffee every morning for forty years and I want a cup ofcoffee NOW!" he screamed.
The nurse quickly and silently counts to ten and replies, "Now sir, yourealize that you are due to go into surgery in an hour and you can'thave anything on your stomach. Couldn't you do without coffee just thisonce?"
The guy starts to rant even more and the doctor comes in to see what isthe matter with the patient. The nurse explains the situation to himand the doctor turns to the belligerent man in bed before him, "Youunderstand that you can't have anything in your stomach before surgery,don't you?"
"I don't care. I. Want. Some. Coffee!!!!"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Very well. I'll tell youwhat; the only way we can give you any coffee is through an enema.Would that make you happy?"
The guy pauses and replies, "Well, if that's the only way I can get anycoffee around here..."
So the doctor tells the nurse to give the guy a coffee enema to keephim quiet. The nurse returns with an enema bag and a fresh pot of hotcoffee.
She pours it into the bag, greases up the applicator and sticks it upthe guy's ass. "Ah, hot coffee!" the guy says with a satisfied tone.
All of a sudden he starts into bitching and complaining again. "What'sthe matter this time?!" the exasperated nurse yells out. "It's toosweet!" the guy replies.
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