Medjokes



Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first surgeon said, "I think that accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon said, "I think that librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon said, "I think that electricians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is color coded."

The fourth surgeon said, "I think that lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

Intravenous Access Necessity

The Likelihood of Successfully Initiating an Intravenous Line, is INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL to the Necessity of Having the Line to Resuscitate the Patient.

The Law of Respiratory Arrest

All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking."
The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried.
"Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.
"The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues,
"Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you.
None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

The Theory of Weight

The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases exponentially by the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient and the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.

Corollary 1:

Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.

Corollary 2:

If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor hadprescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worriedabout some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormonesyou've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving metoo much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hairbefore."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectlynormal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"Onmy balls."

Two Old Men Talkin' Baseball

Two old men were sitting on the porch of their nursing home. One looks to the other and asks, "Do you think they have baseball in heaven?"

"They probably do," responds the second old man.

A few days later one of the old men died and went to heaven. Several days later, the other old man was sitting on the porch of the nursing home when his dead friend suddenly appeared.

"I have good news for you and bad news for you." the dead man said to his friend. "The good news is that they have baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you're pitching tomorrow night!!!"

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